Deadpool & Wolverine

dir: Shawn Levy

2024

Shame…shame…shame. I feel like I’ve been paraded through the streets of King’s Landing, much to my eternal regret for my shameful crimes, after watching this amalgam of references loosely aspiring to be a ‘movie’.

Watching and laughing as much as I did while watching this flick only filled me with deep shame, after the laughs wore off. I would almost argue that it was involuntary, as in, against my will and my supposedly rational mind, but that’s pretty much the same every time we laugh. It bypasses rationality and hits us in the centre of our lizard brain, that same part that laughs and then immediately recoils when you giggle at someone walking into something or getting hit in the groin.

I did not expect to ‘enjoy’ this flick, but then I discovered that either they programmed me years ago to enjoy things like this like the Pavlovian dog that I am, or, based on some kind of horrifying download directly from my brain, they figured out how to make something entirely for the very nerdiest parts of my entire being.

I mean, the only way they could have made it more for me is if they actually had references to me, like Deadpool himself saying “yeah, drew, you’re really going to like this next reference, who’s a clever boy?”

The thing is, part of me knows how wrong it is to find Ryan Reynolds and his smarmy antics so funny. It makes me feel soiled, contaminated in so many ways. I tell myself I am old enough not to fall for his bullshit, not to be amused by such lowbrow Freudian anally and orally fixated idiocy, and yet there I am, laughing until tears course down my haggard features.

It’s wrong, it’s oh so wrong. I hate myself for finding him so charming, even at his worst. And there is much to be affronted by. There’s a whole sequence, belaboured as it is, where agents of the Time Variance Authority appear at Deadpool’s front door in their uniforms wielding their batons, and Deadpool, completely misunderstanding the situation, thinks that he’s going to have sex with all of them, and makes certain recommendations based on their facial expressions and who he thinks he should maintain eye contact with throughout.

I’m just a frail, mortal human being, and I suspect deep down, not a particularly good person, at that. And so I laughed until I think I ruptured something either despite or because of how terrible Ryan Reynolds and these writers are.

Not terrible in the sense of that they’re bad writers, but terrible in that they revel in the worst possible variations of what this character and humanity in general are capable of.

The story itself, such as it is, does not deserve to be related or codified by being set down on paper. It should mean, despite how many patrons actually paid good money to see this, absolutely nothing to anyone, ever. It exists solely as an excuse to resurrect not only the character played too many times by Hugh Jackman, who really looks like he needs a rest from all the working out and the steroids and such, but a whole raft of characters from an alternate era, a different set of universes and therefore movies.

That’s right, it’s the Marvel characters mostly previously shown in other films before Marvel became the primary force in cinema. Some are remembered fondly, some should have stayed forgotten, some never existed at all except as proposals, and yet they’re all here, all talking shit about Deadpool, all telling him what a loser he is.

All along Deadpool is talking to us (constantly), the audience, not only explaining / referencing things, but telling us things outside of the movie that no-one in the flick reacts or responds to. He also has actors, like Wesley Snipes, reprise a beloved character from decades ago, and say on screen how much he hated working with Ryan Reynolds back in the day. He routinely makes references to shows, like ones his wife Blake Lively might have starred in, or films Ryan Reynolds has been in, as if he’s not Ryan Reynolds.

But we know it’s him. We think it’s him? Are there so many references to himself and other products that we have passed some kind of threshold, some self-referential singularity beyond which nothing will ever matter or be taken seriously again? Does the snake eating its own tail ever get to the point where it’s eaten enough, and needs no more?

It’s hard to not think of this multiversal bullshit as a broader comment on how Marvel has ultimately become so massive, has absorbed so much of the world (of self-referential references) that inevitably we’re in the decline / rococo phase, where all it can do is either consume itself, replicate itself or parody itself endlessly. I have no doubt that they will keep on trucking and making movies and streaming series that declining numbers of people will keep watching for decades to come, but it really does feel like this farewell should be more permanent.

I don’t know if anyone needed to see Logan / Wolverine again. I like Hugh Jackman, but he’s played the role like nine times. Anything that needed to be said or done, or any faces or limbs that needed to be stabbed or lopped off were all taken care of in Logan, which gave the character his noble farewell.

But Ryan Reynolds insisted. This is a chap too arrogant and too rich to not desecrate a corpse. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s literally how this movie starts; with Deadpool using Wolverine’s adamantium covered skeleton to slaughter a bunch of TVA agents while dancing aggressively to *NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye.

Ah, the TVA. Anyone who didn’t watch the Loki series wouldn't have a clue what was going on there, but other than over-explaining everything, I wonder if it even matters. Matthew MacFadyen, fresh from wowing everyone as the oleaginous and obsequious (and ultimate ‘winner’ by the end of Succession Tom Wambsgans, here has the thankless role of being some kind of antagonist that the flick doesn’t even need whose power is perfect pronunciation of the King’s English. Diction so sharp you could cut cheese with it. Talk about fucking slumming it for a sweet Marvel cash grab.

Something something one universe ending, something something Deadpool tries to find a Wolverine in order to save his universe, they end up in a place called The Void which looks unsurprisingly like the set of Mad Max. This Wolverine, unlike the one that died at the end of Logan, is a bit more of a loser, and is sad / angry all the time, as opposed to just angry.

Because both he and Deadpool heal very quickly, there are lots of pointless scenes of them stabbing / hurting each other. Lots of Hugh Jackman looking really, really disgruntled. And tired. And sleepy. And like he’s really irritated by Ryan Reynolds, despite how fucking chummy they always are in interviews and press releases and all that crap.

If you think this flick is deliberately and lazily constructed as a pointless road movie where two characters who start off disliking each other eventually bond over their journey, why yes, it is that transparently formulaic, even down to multiple Honda Odyssey references as the car of choice for this journey which exists solely for Ryan Reynolds to grind himself against like the unneutered dog that he is.

Is it a good film? No. It is an entertainingly nerdy one, though, and the closest that the Marvel Cinematic Production Line will ever get to making a “zany” Zucker Abrams Zucker flick like Airplane! / Flying High / Top Secret / Naked Gun films of yore. There are so many gags per minute that many of them end up being close to funny.

This isn’t a flick that one watches for the action, or the performances, but that doesn’t detract too much from the steady stream of filth pouring so eloquently from these old hands / hacks. I never thought I’d live long enough to see a Disney film (ultimately, since they own Marvel now) with so much violence, nasty language and filthy references, guaranteed to make old Uncle Walt spin in his grave / cryogenic chamber.

And that can’t be good for anyone. I feel like I have to point out that in between a few caustic words or derisive descriptions, it’s clear that I enjoyed it a lot, but recommending this would be like recommending cigarettes or whisky or Jägermeister. Or meth, for that matter, and my conscience won’t allow for that.

So, yes, Deadpool and Wolverine is like smoking. You shouldn’t do it, and it will harm you sooner rather than later, but it’s fucking enjoyable, so go for it if you’re already on the path of damnation.

8 times this film is constructed entirely of Macguffins out of 10

--
“G'day, mate. There's nothing that'll bring me back to life faster than a big bag of Marvel cash.” – it’s truly a miracle - Deadpool & Wolverine

https://www.imdb.com/video/vi320390681/?playlistId=tt6263850&ref_=tt_ov_vi