Spider-Man 3

dir: Sam Raimi
[img_assist|nid=786|title=Third trip to the law of diminishing returns well|desc=|link=none|align=right|width=270|height=400]
You know, I'm ashamed to admit this, but maybe George Lucas was right. Lucas delighted the no-talent shlubs who write the entertainment gossip columns by announcing that, in his lofty opinion, Spider-Man 3 was 'silly'. I ridiculed him for it, pointing out that the man who gave the world Ewoks, Jar Jar Binks and nancy-boy Anakin Skywalker was in no position to be telling other people their films are silly.

Thing is, though, he might be right. Just because Lucas is a shitheel doesn't mean his opinion in this instance is wrong. And just as his spite might be motivated by jealousy over the massive juggernaut that is the Spider-Man franchise, which has eclipsed his own 6 instalment
franchise in terms of box office power, he still might be right.

Spider-Man 3 is, in many bits, very silly. Whilst watching the opening battle between the Son of Green Goblin and Friendly Neighbourhood Spidey, I thought I was watching the recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles flick. That isn't a good frame of mind to be in when you're watching the supposed blockbuster of this or any other year and the most expensive flick ever made (til now).

Along with the silly, there's also a massive side-order of cheese. It's more of a main course size than a side dish, now that I think about it. If S-M 3 were a pizza, it would have a thin, wooden base, a foot thick layer of cheese, and a whole cornucopia of toppings on top
that don't all go together. Like Ham, Goat's Cheese, Asparagus and Fish Heads. Yum.

But the usual stock-standard responses kick in as justifications: what were you expecting, it's based on a comic book, it's a fun action film, switch your mind off and enjoy it, buy lottery tickets, help me get my money out of Nigeria, it's not you it's me etc etc.

Well, all that crap maybe true, but it doesn't make a bad film good, does it? Who actually sits there in the cinema muttering to themselves: "This is a goddamn stinker and a half", then flicks a switch in their brains and then say, "Actually, this shit is fantastic!" How do you switch off your brain, exactly? Without alcohol, I mean.

That's overstating things a bit. All the Spidey movies have been silly. All the Spidey flicks have been cheesy. And all of them have
entertained millions of shmucks worldwide for whom the silliness and cheesiness are virtues, not vices. Their purpose is entertainment, of course, pure entertainment. Well, and merchandising. Entertainment and merchandising. And the third instalment is entertaining, but overly long and overly overwrought. And the merchandising leaves a lot to be desired.

It doesn't have too many villains, as is one of the common complaints, but it does suffer from lacking decent villains. This problem could have been avoided if they'd just put more villains in it. Note to self: send email to Sam Raimi spelling out my genius theory. The bad guys this time out are the aforementioned Goblin (James Franco), who desperately wants revenge on Spidey for killing his father, the Sandman (Thomas Hayden Church) and Venom. Venom is a combination of some black alien oily organism and one of Spider-Man's outfits latching onto someone Spidey doesn't like (Topher Grace).

There's another villain, though, and it's Spider-Man himself. Under the influence of the evil alien substance, which just happened to land right next to him and pop out of a meteor, Peter Packer goes emo. No shit. The new, black suit brings out Parker's mean side, so that when he's not fighting crime more aggressively, he's wearing lots of eyeliner and strutting down city streets checking out the ladies in a finger-popping fashion worthy of the hero of Saturday Night Fever.

You see, the suit is the literal Dark Side. Maybe that's another reason as to why Lucas arked up. Lucas wasn't the first to make literal the human struggle against the baser parts of one's own nature in the form of the lure of the Dark Side and all its temptations, but maybe he thinks he owns the copyright. Now Raimi's taking it for a spin around the block.

It's quite surreal: when Parker wears the black suit under his clothes, his eyes magically get heavy eyeliner, his hair goes purple-black and is brushed forward, and he starts acting the total tool. He even starts slapping his bitch around. That must be what the emo way of life is all about.

In a film that has three villains already, the amount of plotlines and threads from the earlier movies make it feel like two movies' worth of
resolutions crammed into one. Not only does Parker have to strive to save his relationship with failed Broadway wannabe and love of his
life Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst), he has to convince former best friend Harry Goblin Osborne (Franco) not to be an arsehole, he wants to
punish the man who actually killed his saintly Uncle Ben, he has to fend off the professional competition of Eddie Brock at the Daily Bugle, he has to attend massive celebrations in his honour and also prevent the deaths of countless New Yorkers, especially Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard), and he has to fight the temptation to go completely evil courtesy of his infected suit.

That's a lot to deal with over the course of nearly two and a half hours. All of this would be forgivable if the dramatic stuff worked well and if the action set pieces were a highlight instead of a low point. It would also have been slightly more enjoyable if the villains were more memorable and less incoherent. None of the action set pieces really match the best ones the series has managed: the clock tower and
train sequences with the Octopodic villain in the second flick. The ones here don't look that bad, it's just that they don't really resonate. They lack the solidity, the believability of the early ones. They look, at the risk of sounding simple-minded, too cartoonish and unbelievable to care about.

The Sandman can be whatever the hell he wants to be whenever the story requires him to be it. If they want him to become a giant Staypuft MMarshmallow Man, towering over the little people, he can. If he wants to be a sandstorm flying across the city, he can be. Venom is even less interesting that that, being able to do little more than kick Spidey around and use many of the same powers. Oh, and he has big pointy teeth.

The existential drama of the second flick: "what about me, it isn't fair, I've done my part now I want my share", is replaced in this one with Spider-Man feeling pretty fucking great about himself, and even he deigns to put in an appearance at celebrations in his honour. The role of citywide protector and the adulation of the crowds has naturally given him a pretty big head and an arrogant way of relating to the people around him, which culminates in the Dark Spidey themes.

This is all well and good, especially in the manner in which it impacts upon his relationship with MJ, who is going through tough times herself that Peter is incapable of understanding.

Fine. But the sitcom, melodrama-rama of how the plot arbitrarily forces the two lovebirds apart is cheese of the highest order. Cast members of The Bold and the Beautiful watching this flick would feel justified in kicking back and saying, "How contrived" in a haughty manner. Also, constantly using the flick's female characters in all three films where they're basically tied to the tracks by Snidely Whiplash types multiple times grows ever tiresome. MJ's sole purpose seems to be a way of ensuring Spider-Man is going to be somewhere at a
particular time. A decent organiser or a PDA with the facility to schedule meetings would be able to achieve the same result in a much
cheaper way.

I mean really, who needs to suspend women, taxis, dump trucks and all sorts of kitchen sinks hundreds of metres up in the air when you could just send a text message or a reminder/scheduling message in Outlook? All the obligatory boilerplate stuff: J. Jonah Jameson barking out orders and insults, the Bruce Campbell bit part, in this case as an unctuous maitre d, the Stan Lee cameo and Aunt May making her big
speeches to get Spidey back on track, are all present and accounted for. As is the pissing and moaning about Uncle Ben's death. But even
better/worse, Uncle Ben rears his ugly head yet again because the man ultimately responsible for his murder, Flint Marko, becomes Spidey's
No 1 target. Revenge is what Dark Spidey wants. Even though a ridiculous experiment gives Marko some amazing and convenient
abilities, it is his motivation to protect his daughter that is supposed to make him a more well-rounded character and make him
relatable.

You see, his life of crime has been to save his sick daughter. Awwwwww.

I call this childwashing. Like the term whitewashing, it involves someone covering up or justifying all the crap they do by invoking the
age-old cry "For the Children". It's on a level with crappy rapper 50 Cent appearing on the posters for his awful biopic Get Rich or Die
Tryin' clutching a baby as if that's going to give him any credibility or excuses for his crimes. His worst crimes being his anti-acting in
the film and his awful, awful music.

The resolution of Flint Marko's conflict with Spidey is very problematic even if it is somewhat satisfying from an emotional point of view. It's teary until you think about it and wrench your head back squealing 'wahhhh?'

There's a lot of dramatic stuff, some handled adroitly, some handled in an ugly, butterfingered fashion, but at least they stem from the relationships Peter has with various people. The guy who eventually becomes Venom is known to Parker, and is someone who Parker gets fired from the Bugle. When the loser prays in church to Jesus for a way to destroy Spider-Man, the Lord answers his prayer. The Lord truly doeswork in convenient and mysterious ways to further a creaking plot.

Peter's conflict with Harry, and its resolution, for all that they depend on the worst plot device the writers could possibly imagine (involving Harry's goddamn butler, for crying out loud), has a level of meaning the storyline probably doesn't deserve, and is satisfying. You can't really say that about most of the other relationships, themes or plot resolutions. Franco especially stands out in the film when he's not wearing the goofy Goblin costume.

All the craziness that ensues between Peter and MJ, Peter and Harry, Peter and Aunt May, Peter and Flint Marko, Peter and Eddie Brock,
Peter and his Russian landlord seems to point to a richer story than what we can usually expect from a comic book based action flick. Most
superheroes are defined by their isolation from humanity in general and the people they care about the most, where as with Spidey the
emphasis is on the relationships he has with the people around him. That makes him, for better or worse, a more engaging and more human
superhero. As absurd as the action or dialogue may be, it's the character moments that matter.

Spider-Man 3 has plenty of them, but there's also a lot of flash and meaningless action to dull the senses and kill valuable time along the way. It's far from perfect, but it's still an entertaining and enjoyable ride all the same. Nowhere near as bad as claimed, nowhere near as good as hoped.

6 times emo Peter Parker walking down the street acting like a blackclad tool was pretty damned funny out of 10.
--
"This could be the end of Spider-Man" - if only, but I sincerely doubt
it, Spider-Man 3.