7 stars

dir: Michael Sarnoski

2024

Michael Sarnoski made probably the best film that I saw in 2021, even more inexplicably it starred Nicolas Cage. That film was called Pig, and even a staunch supporter of that film would still be both glad, on his behalf, and perplexed that he would have such a gig as directing this here third instalment in a science fiction post-apocalyptic franchise.

I’m not going to pretend I haven’t watched the other ones: I have. I thought the first one was fantastic; I thought the second one was pretty okay, and when I heard they were making a third one I yawned, mightily. My jaw probably made a cracking sound.

But then I heard Lupita Nyong’o would star, and that this guy would direct, and thought “that could be something remarkable”.

Well. It’s a fine film. It’s unnecessary, and doesn’t advance anything, not that we needed to go anywhere, with the relentless illusion of constant progress, but it’s better than I thought it would be. It’s odd enough in its intentions that it works okay for what it is.

The great Djimon Hounsou had a role in the second one, as the primary family tries to get to a place where the scary aliens who hate noise can’t eat them; he’s on some island. In this flick he gets far more screen time, but to far less purpose. This flick, if it has a purpose, explains how Djimon Hounsou’s character got to that island.

(Μαγνητικά πεδία)

dir: Yorgos Goussis

2022

You could be thinking, based on the title or the poster, that this could be a documentary about legendary band The Magnetic Fields, but then that’s probably unlikely, because you’re way too smart to make that mistake. And if you were a fan of The Magnetic Fields, you would probably know there was already a documentary about them from 2010 called Strange Powers: Stephin Merritt and the Magnetic Fields, and you probably watched it since with much enjoyment, and then went and listened to your favourite parts of their epic 3 part album 69 Love Songs.

That’s not what you’re going to get from watching this. If this wasn’t a Greek movie made during the start of the pandemic, you would think it was an American film made during the mumblecore era (2000s – 2010s) with no budget and a recommendation to the actors not to do too much acting in any given scene. Save it all for a screaming match at the end.

Most of the movie, like 99% of it, transpires on the Greek island of Kefalonia, a beautiful place that I’ve actually been to. But none of the point of this flick is to highlight any of that, because it’s not a none too subtle travel advert sponsored by the tourism bureau or anything like that.

If anything the flick is saying “if you’re bored and experiencing existential angst you could do worse than come here”. The whole flick has an experimental vibe, in that it seems like there’s a very loose premise, that the actors came up with their characters, possibly on the fly, and the overall flick has only a loose idea of where it’s going as it’s meandering along, at any given time.

That’s okay with me. I’m one of the few people on this planet films like this are made for. I don’t so much watch something like this thinking “is something interesting going to eventually happen?”, so much as “I wonder what nonsense these two will get up to next.”

dir: Luca Guadagnino

2024

Well. That was… something.

I’m not entirely sure what. I feel like I’ve been tricked by a film again, but I can’t accuse it of a bait-and-switch, because the bait was “hot young tennis players in steamy love triangle”, which was never that appealing, and the “switch”, given the ending, is “absolutely nothing.”

My one point of interest in watching this is that Luca Guadagnino is making interesting films, sometimes with Tilda Swinton, sometimes, like this one, without. I think there’s an aspect of the film that REALLY interested or energised him greatly, which is the relationship between Patrick and Art (Josh O’Connor who is trying to be in everything currently, and Mike Faist), there’s an aspect that somewhat interests him, being the motivations and machinations of le femme athlétique Tashi (Zendaya).

And then there’s… I dunno, a lot of hollow nonsense to fill out the already lengthy running time. This is definitely one of those films that feels longer than what the clock tells you. Though having said that, I wasn’t really bored, but I wasn’t really enraptured either.

This flick tells a story about three people in a non-linear way, having something happen in the “present”, then thirteen years in the past, and then it jumps all over the place with the lynchpin being what’s happening at a low grade tournament in New Rochelle, New York, proudly sponsored by Phil’s Tyre Town. It will then jump randomly weeks before, hours before, days before, a decade again, and you think it’s building towards explanation or meaning, but you realise the revelations of the past don’t really amount to much.

I mean, there’s info we want to know, somewhat. Like, we might be curious as to how and why Tashi went from a world-class player to a coach living through her husband’s success, when she was so driven and fixated on success. We wonder why Patrick is pretty much homeless, despite that charming smile and those sticky-outy ears of his.

dir: Alberto Corredor

2023

What a strange movie. Imagine your father dying, in a horrible seeming accident, and you find out you’ve inherited a pub from him in Berlin. Berlin! And not even a good pub.

And it’s not even an ongoing business, so you don’t even have to go to the trouble of disappointing the regulars by telling them you don’t want them coming around anymore, and that you want a better class of patrons to frequent the place, not you rusted on day drinkers and shambolic alcoholics. I don’t know if German people put bets on dog races, but it’d be that level of peeps.

And they’d be the types that would nurse a pint for over an hour, because they’re there just for the familiarity, the routine, and not the ambience or the 20 Euro cocktails or the loaded bratwurst.

Maybe you’d meet a local, or a rival pub owner, and after an hour and a half of rivalry and misunderstandings, maybe finally, someone would run somewhere just in time to stop the other from leaving forever, and they’d kiss passionately as the orchestra swells, the music builds (unfortunately it’s oompah oompah polka music with all the tuba you can handle), and the happily ever afters start as the credits roll.

This is not that film. This film is about evil things, not love. This is about grief, with no consolation. And it’s also about how young people with nothing will fall victim to any scam or scheme that will give them even a hint of money for their troubles.