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Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

dir: Tim Story
[img_assist|nid=756|title=So what if he looks like a walking turd? So does the rest of the movie|desc=|link=none|align=right|width=300|height=375]
Are you fucking kidding me?

What mental incompetent approved such a script? Was the screenplay put together in any fashion other than having kindergarten kids stick cut-out bits of other scripts together in an amateurish collage fashion, which was then stuck in a blender and pureed until it achieved a truly shitty consistency?

Good goddamn, this makes other crappy comic book adaptations look positively Shakespearean by comparison. It makes Transformers look like something scripted by George Bernard Shaw.

A Barbie doll (Jessica Alba) who looks less convincing as a scientist than Denise Richards did in that terrible Bond film a few years ago, employs constant hissy fits to provoke her potential mate into entering into the holy contractual agreement of marriage. Her paramour, being Horatio Hornblower with the ability to become the consistency of pudding (Ioan Gruffud), is a work obsessed nerd who talks of love but could care less about the shrill blowup doll bitching about his workaholic ways.

Barbie has a brother (Chris Evans) who is apparently a flaming heterosexual, so flaming in fact that he literally bursts into flame whenever he feels like it. Filling out the foursome is an indestructible Thing (Michael Chiklis)-like creature who looks like nothing more than a talking, mobile turd.

During the preparations for the world stopping event that is the wedding of Hornblower and Barbie, the evil silver dude from the second Terminator flick appears on a surfboard, heralding the imminent destruction of the Earth.

Evil silver dude goes to planets to prepare them so that a giant cloud can eat them. You read that right, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Related to that, Flaming Moe magically starts transferring his burnie power to the other members of his crew, and absorbing theirs every time he touches them. I wonder if that’ll play into the finale?

Returning as well is Mr or Sir or Dr Doom (Julian McMahon), played by one of the few Australian alleged actors Australia is happy to not claim as one of their own. Why is the guy here: um, because the makers felt the flick lacked enough inanity in order to appeal to the dumbest prospective audience they could imagine.

Long, ever so long story short: giant cloud has the Eye of Sauron at its centre. Terminator dude can use magical surfboard to do pretty much anything he needs to do, and in fact does so at the end of the flick what he could just have easily done at the beginning in order to bring everything to a unsatisfying conclusion. But he does this now, which he couldn’t do then, because that Barbie doll is just so darn cute, despite the fact that she looks more artificial than Michael Jackson.

It’s hard to think of a lamer set of circumstances that one could recall in order to depict a story barely a single sentient, sapient being in the universe could find entertaining. I’ll admit that I sat with an expression of incredulity on my face as this monstrosity unveiled itself in awkward fashion and clumsy attire. What in the names of all the gods are people like Ioan Gruffud doing in a flick like this? Money alone couldn’t possibly be sufficient inducement. His resume should be forever tainted henceforth.

I mean, this kind of shit is made for talentless shmucks like Jessica Alba. People like her and the other Baldwin brothers apart from Alec, former Police Academy cast members, and stand-up comedians who can’t even get work in toilet cleaner commercials.

But the other actors in this have the potential for careers in real movies. This movie redefines shittiness, not just for comic book based flicks, but for all flicks in general. It’s lowered the bar for all. I’ve had to readjust my benchmarks for sphincter loosening awfulness.

The effects are mediocre, the dialogue is terrible, the actors seem like they’re drunk on wine coolers, the story is stupid, the plot is agonising, and there is barely a scene in this flick, whether it is the godawful Reed Richards dance sequence or any other scene where anything is happening or people are talking that doesn’t make you cringe in some way.

A part of me died watching this. I just hope it wasn’t something I need.

Terrible, just terrible

1 time I’d rather grind my testicles in a vice than watch this again out of 10

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“If we can't stop this, if it's really the end of the world, how are you going to spend your last few minutes?” – definitely not watching a flick this shitty, F4: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

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